Tag Archives: surrender

When God Doesn’t Want My Alabaster Jar

“I’m giving this to God,” I told her. “I’m giving up control. He can do whatever He wants with it.”

I really meant it–I really thought I meant it.

I had thought long and hard about my alabaster jar filled with all I held dear. I had held it tightly for so long and it was starting to burn me. So, I decided I would give it to God, fully. I didn’t want the control, the worrying, the manipulation that came with protecting that jar.

I was so glad I had decided to give it to God. He would take care of it much better than I would.I was free.

But I didn’t feel free.

I felt bitter. I was in a power struggle with God–like a little kid who buys their friend a birthday gift and wants to keep it. And I realized I hadn’t truly given it to God. I had just said, “Hey God, can you hold this for a little while?”

I gave my desires to God for safekeeping. One day, He would give it back to me–when I was ready. Surely, He saw that this was a real step of maturity for me. But you know what he told me?

He said, “I don’t want it. I want you. I want your trust and your devotion. I don’t want this perfume. I want you to trust that I am ALL you need and that all I am will satisfy you more than your precious jar ever could.”

And I believe Him.
I believe His promises.
I believe that He will withhold no good thing.
That He is working all things together for good for those who love Him.
That if I commit my way to Him, He will act.

He will bring forth my righteousness as the light and my justice as the noonday. He has always been faithful; and though my treasures may fail me, He will never leave me nor forsake me.

To be honest, I’m still in a power struggle with God.

But this time, I’m not trying to take my jar back. I’m asking Him to help me as I struggle to pour out this alabaster jar–drop by drop. I’m watching the perfume mingle with my tears as I pour it on his feet.

It’s still a daily struggle, but this perfume has never smelled sweeter.

“And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment.”
– Luke 7 : 37-38

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Confessions of a Stupid Little Ewe Lamb

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…”

Think of that one thing you want more than anything. Not the thing you know you should want more than anything, not the right answer. I’m talking about that thing you want to NOT want, the thing that consumes your mind and makes you crazy when you know there are much more important things to worry about. Maybe this thing isn’t inherently bad, but it’s awful the way it makes you chase after it. You manipulate things to get it, or weave your future around its possibility. Yes, that thing.

I’m sure the thing is different for all of us- that boy or that girl, that career, the approval of that one person, that recognition, etc. I memorized Psalm 23 when I was a little girl. The words have always been second nature to me. Ok, Jesus is my shepherd, I’m a sheep, a candy cane is shaped like a staff and represents the true meaning of Christmas… All that jazz. The truth of that first verse never hit me fully.

First off, the Lord is my shepherd. He is guarding me, protecting me. He is standing at the gate of all that enters or exits my life, approving every decision. He is providing for me, the dumb little lamb that keeps running off in random directions. And because of this, two things are true:

1) I want for nothing, meaning, I don’t need anything that God won’t provide for me. The Bible says that God will withhold no good thing from he who walks uprightly. Therefore, if he hasn’t given it to me, it’s not good.

2) Because Jesus is my shepherd, I WILL NOT want. This is the part that hit me. This part is a conscious decision. Often times I recognize the truth that God will provide for me, but I still yearn for things he obviously hasn’t given me. I chase after them, turn them over in my mind for hours on end. I tell the Lord that I surrender all to him, but oh, how I fight it! I surrender in word, but my heart holds on so tightly.

I am a stupid little ewe lamb. Looking back on my life, I can already see times that God was shepherding me and guarding the gate of my life. I can see that I kept trying to run out and play with the wolves and bawling (baaawling?… ok no.) in the corner when I didn’t get my way. So today I’m deciding to let God be the shepherd.

Today, I choose to surrender. And tomorrow, I’m going to have to choose to surrender again, because well… we sheep aren’t too bright. 

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You can follow me on twitter @bekahvalencia. Thanks for reading!

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